December 31, 2014

Embarrassingly, I started this blog one year ago.  Oh, I had great intentions...for all of 5 posts.  I sat this morning and re-read them.  Nothing has changed.  My heart still desires everything that it had hoped for then.

I turned 50 this year.  I have been thinking a lot about the aging process; probably because my mother has spent the last 3 months in a rehab facility recovering from a compact fracture to her right femur.  I can remember when I was in my early teens noticing my grandmother's 'aging'.  I remember saying to my sister, 'You know how you know when you are getting old?  All of your friends are starting to die.'  I remember it being a serious observation at the time, but one that I didn't acknowledge as affecting me.  Now I find myself taking a closer look at aging as I have moved closer to the sidelines and am watching my own mother age.  It is a scary process as we watch those that go before us.  My mother's mental state has been in question for several years.  She has good days and bad.  As I watch her, I naturally start to question my own future.  When my MG came back 4 years ago, I suffered from major short-term memory loss.  I was certain that I had early onset Alzheimer's.  It was terrifying.  I started blogging to my children.  I wanted to write down all the memories that I had of my time with them so that they could read my words after I no longer had them to give.  It brings me to tears now just thinking of it.  I have since had it corrected through supplements and working closely with my doctor. 

This is going to sound silly, but yesterday the children were watching a Dr. Who episode and I was in the kitchen cleaning.  What I caught from it (and I am NOT a Dr. Whovian so the names may not be correct, but either way, I think you will be able to follow) is that Amy somehow ended up in another timezone or universe or dimension (wherever it is that Dr. Who travels) and Rory (the one she is in love with and loves her) and the Doctor were supposed to find her quickly or she would die. There was a whole lot of weirdness going on and they do find her, only 36 years have passed for her and she has aged, but Rory still loves her and she has forgotten all of that.  But with Dr. Who's help, they are able to locate the younger Amy and the Doctor tells Rory that it is possible to bring both Amys Amies (what is it???) back.  When they are almost back on the Tardis, the young Amy gets attacked and passes out.  Rory runs back, swoops her up, and carries her onto the Tardis while the older Amy watches.  The Doctor then shuts the door, leaving the older Amy behind.  At this point a very emotional conversation between Rory and older Amy takes place.  Older Amy tells Rory that she had forgotten how very much he loved her and she loved him until she saw him carrying young Amy in his arms and that if he truly loved her he would not open the door for her because she would surely run in and both of the women named Amy (there, I can handle that) could not exist in the same place, thing, whatever.  Now, if you have never watch Dr. Who, I am sure that sounded pretty crazy.  But take it from me, it was a very emotional love scene and it made me cry while I was doing my dishes.  As a woman who very much loves her husband and her children, it got me thinking about if all those memories were taken from me.  And, yes, we believe that there is a grace given in Alzheimer's.  A grace where the person suffering from the disease is not in fact suffering from the loss, because, well, there is no memory.  But what about the transition?  What about the time before?  Does the person see the memories fleeting?  Because I have been down that road and it is scary and it is sad and it is lonely and I don't want to go there again.

Now, I apologize, because I know this was a really weird blog post but it was really more for me than it was for you.  I want to keep revisiting it in 2015.  I need to remember that life is short and precious and we only get one chance to do it right.  And what we do touches lives.  There is a ripple effect and we leave a legacy.  I want to remember my legacy and I want it to be good.  I want to breathe it in until my very last breath. 

In 2015 I will grow in faith and family.  I will lose weight and improve both my physical and mental health.  I will blog more, read more and be on Facebook less.  These are goals that I can and will keep.  No more slacking off!

If you are reading this, know that this time next year, I will not be repeating the same old goals because these will have been crossed off my list and I will be moving forward.

Happy New Year 2015, bring it on!

January 24, 2014

It's 1:00 in the afternoon.  I've been in the kitchen all morning since dropping the kids off at school.  I've been steady on my feet all day cooking.  I have a loaf of bread in the oven and another one that I am prepping for a meal on Sunday.  I have made a lasagna and put it in the refrigerator, also for Sunday's meal.  I've listened to my bible app and am already into next week so I decided to look for something else to listen to.  I decided on Ecclesiastes.  After listening to that for about an hour, I thought to turn on some music.  Someone in the household had downloaded a new app called 8tracks that showed up on my phone.  I'm not sure how it's different from Pandora, but I decided to give it a try.  There are some 'tracks' already put together that you can choose from...that seemed way to mind consuming for me.  It's like going into a paint store to buy a can of white paint and having 100's of choices that all somehow encompass the color white.  So, I did a search for something that I was in the mood for...Edwin McCain came to mind for some reason and sure enough, there was a 'track' that included Edwin McCain.  I chose it and set my phone aside.  Since my hands were busy, I had to listen to the music as it came along.    There was some Maroon 5, some Coldplay, I heard Cheryl Crow, it was all good.  Then, somewhere in the midst of my cooking and music playing in the background, I noticed that my music, the music I was listening to, had turned to country.  COUNTRY?  You have to understand that my entire life, COUNTRY has never been on my playlist.  I like to politely say that "I have never learned to appreciate it".  That puts the burden on me and doesn't quite seem as insulting to people who hold country dear to their heart.  But here I was listening to country and actually enjoying it.  This is foreign to me.  Admitting to the fact that I was enjoying country music is almost scary.  Many things that I have done since my commitment to serve intentionally have been foreign to me.  But as I was reminded this morning in Ecclesiastes 3, "For everything there is a season..." and this seems to be my season for change.

And with that, I will leave you with this...  Darius Rucker, It Won't be Like This Forever.

January 20, 2014

I found myself on the phone whining to a friend today.  It is good to have friends that you can call when you need support.  Friends that don't judge and know exactly where you are coming from.  Friends that you can feel free to tell your innermost thoughts to; even when those thoughts reveal parts of you that are not so glamorous.  That's where I found myself today...on the phone feeling sorry for myself.  Here I am 20 days into the new year and I feel like a drug addict needing my next fix.  My drug is not an illegal substance.  My drug of choice, the one that brings me a pleasure that I cannot define, is the simple act of going out to eat.  And what is even more sad is that I realize that I feel 'entitled' to the "not so occasional" meal out.  After all, don't I serve others all the time?  Don't I deserve to have a meal prepared and served to me?  Oh, the pleasure that it brings me.  And you know what else?  It doesn't even have to be a good meal.  I will take a mediocre meal with great service any day of the week.  I LOVE to be served.  So, there it is.  It's sad.  It's out.  I need a 12 step program.

January 16, 2014

I have a confession to make....I am NOT a bible reader.  Never have been.  Oh, I grew up in a youth group at a Methodist Church and I went to bible study and we spent time in The Word.  And I remember having a children's picture book of bible stories that I LOVED as a child.  And they say that if you go to Mass every day for 3 years you will have heard the entire bible.  So...I know the stories.  I can tell you about Adam and Eve and The Garden of Eden.  I know about Jonah and the whale and Joseph and his coat of many colors and I know that his brothers sold him into slavery.  I know about David and Goliath and Jesus walking on water and healing the lepers.  You get the picture....I know the stories....

As I mentioned in my previous post, I started a bible reading 'plan'.  It is an app that I downloaded to my phone and I listen to it...when I can.  It is a historical plan, so it started in Genesis.  There was Adam and Eve and a lot of begatting (yes, I know, that is not a word, but you know what I'm talking about).  I won't tell you that I found it boring, because truly, I did not.  But it was rather redundant.  However, after my last post, I tried to be more 'intentional' about my bible listening.  Yesterday, I was a day behind and somewhere in the story of Joseph.  He had been brought to Pharaoh to interpret his dreams.  I was driving....and I was listening.  Now, mind you, the plan does not expect you to spend too much time in a day on it.  I have found that it is maybe three verses a day...not much at all.  And that has been just fine with me.  But yesterday, while I was being intentional, something funny happened.  My reading, err...listening, STOPPED!  It was over for the day.  And guess what?  I couldn't take it.  I had to hear more.  It was like watching TV and you break for a commercial at just the right wrong time.  It was that cliffhanger that leaves you with your mouth open saying, "HEY!  I was listening to that!"  Well, I skipped on to the next day and listened some more and today I find myself a couple of days ahead really enjoying my bible.

It's a funny thing; doing things intentionally.  

Now, I know that we are only 16 days into the year and far be it for me to think that I have set a lifelong precedent.  I know that I can slip back at anytime and go back to my old ways.  But it is a start and I plan to do my best to continue on this path of living and serving intentionally.

Now, if I can just get to that intentional exercise plan.  :)

January 14, 2014

It has been two weeks since I started serving 'intentionally'.  I have baked bread, packed lunches, and made meals from scratch.  I have heard from both Hannah and Jacob, "Why are you making such big meals?"  Funny, they aren't anything extraordinary.  But in the past, it wasn't unusual for dinner to be a 'make it yourself' night which could range anywhere from a bowl of cereal to mac-n-cheese to anything that you could heat up from the freezer.  Somehow, night after night, dinnertime would come as a surprise to me.  "What?  I have to cooker dinner again?  How does that keep happening?"

I have had a few different answers to 'why'.  The first time I was asked, I said, "I'm just trying to be a better mom."  Most recently, while sitting at the dinner table, I said, "Well, I am trying to be a better mom, a better wife, a better servant to God."  Danny wasn't home for dinner that night and I said to the kids, "You know how daddy always talks about how wonderful his mom cooked?  Wouldn't it be nice if when you grow up you have memories like that?"  They all laughed.  But it's true.  Danny holds onto some very wonderful memories of his mom and although my kids never had the opportunity to meet her, I'll just bet that if they were asked to tell you something that they knew about their grandma, they would most certainly tell you that she was a good cook and that their daddy loved her very much.  How wonderful is that?  That Danny has instilled memories, fond memories, of his mom in his children even though they have never met her.

I have to tell you, this fixing dinner thing every night is very time consuming; especially since I am trying really hard to make everything from scratch.  There are days when I get the kids to school and then spend the next four hours in the kitchen prepping dinner.  I feel very accomplished at night serving my family a nice meal, but I am failing everywhere else.

On my list of things to do was:  spend more time with God, exercise and get in shape, work two hours a day for Danny's business and keep a clean house.  I downloaded a bible app to my phone and I am supposed to read a small portion of the bible every day.  I found that I can actually 'listen' to it and that has been very helpful.  I can turn it on while I'm cooking or while I'm waiting in car rider line.  But even with the simplicity of having it on my phone and the ability to listen instead of read, there are days that I forget and then I have to play catch up the next day.  And exercise...now that's just a joke.  I did 20 sit-ups yesterday.  That's it!  In 14 days, I did 20 sit-ups.  I think Danny's business has gotten a total of 1 hour spread out over the two weeks.  I have 'thought' about things that should/could do, but I have put nothing in action.  And as far as the house goes, I have kept up with the laundry.

I think a big part of my problem is Facebook.  I have become an addict.  So, starting tomorrow I will not sign onto Facebook until after Noon and even then, I will not spend more than 20 minutes.  I will not spend more than 1 hour on Facebook in a day and I will never sign on from my phone.  Sadly, I know this will be difficult.  But I have committed it to paper and now I am accountable.

Submission...  a word that has never set well with me.  I am a little bit of a control freak, or at least that is what my husband tells me.  I'll admit it;  I have issues.

For some time now the Holy Spirit has been tugging at my heart.  I have heard words of 'servantude'.  Every time I hear the gospel of Mark 10:45, "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many", I feel a certain amount of guilt.  I am a wife and a mother.  My entire life is about service to others.  As the mother of 5, four of whom are still in the home, I wake up to serve others and plan my entire day around their needs.  As a wife...well, as a wife, I fail miserably.  I see my husband as an adult whom I feel should be able to take care of himself and most of the time, he has to.  And that creates more guilt.  I am not content in my life of 'servantude'.  To tell you otherwise, would be a lie.  And the guilt continues to pile on.  If the Son of Man came to serve, and as a Christian, it is my call to 'be like Christ', then how can I not be content, elated even, in my life of servantude?  Searching the Bible for answers, I came across this: A person with a true servant's heart does not just obey God's law because he or she has been ordered to, but because they earnestly desire to please God and do His will. 

It is January 1st.  A new day.  A new year.  A new beginning.  I created this blog name, The Intentional Servant, quite some time ago, (as I said, the Holy Spirit has been tugging at my heart for awhile) but I have ignored it.  I have not written any words, because words are powerful and when put to paper, they become binding.  Once I say them out loud, once I commit them to paper, they become truth.  

A person with a true servant's heart does not just obey God's law

 because he or she has been ordered to, 

but because they earnestly desire to please God and do His will.

I desire to please God, to earnestly please God.  It is my prayer for the new year that I become the servant child that God desires me to be and to serve intentionally, with grace and thanksgiving.