December 31, 2014

Embarrassingly, I started this blog one year ago.  Oh, I had great intentions...for all of 5 posts.  I sat this morning and re-read them.  Nothing has changed.  My heart still desires everything that it had hoped for then.

I turned 50 this year.  I have been thinking a lot about the aging process; probably because my mother has spent the last 3 months in a rehab facility recovering from a compact fracture to her right femur.  I can remember when I was in my early teens noticing my grandmother's 'aging'.  I remember saying to my sister, 'You know how you know when you are getting old?  All of your friends are starting to die.'  I remember it being a serious observation at the time, but one that I didn't acknowledge as affecting me.  Now I find myself taking a closer look at aging as I have moved closer to the sidelines and am watching my own mother age.  It is a scary process as we watch those that go before us.  My mother's mental state has been in question for several years.  She has good days and bad.  As I watch her, I naturally start to question my own future.  When my MG came back 4 years ago, I suffered from major short-term memory loss.  I was certain that I had early onset Alzheimer's.  It was terrifying.  I started blogging to my children.  I wanted to write down all the memories that I had of my time with them so that they could read my words after I no longer had them to give.  It brings me to tears now just thinking of it.  I have since had it corrected through supplements and working closely with my doctor. 

This is going to sound silly, but yesterday the children were watching a Dr. Who episode and I was in the kitchen cleaning.  What I caught from it (and I am NOT a Dr. Whovian so the names may not be correct, but either way, I think you will be able to follow) is that Amy somehow ended up in another timezone or universe or dimension (wherever it is that Dr. Who travels) and Rory (the one she is in love with and loves her) and the Doctor were supposed to find her quickly or she would die. There was a whole lot of weirdness going on and they do find her, only 36 years have passed for her and she has aged, but Rory still loves her and she has forgotten all of that.  But with Dr. Who's help, they are able to locate the younger Amy and the Doctor tells Rory that it is possible to bring both Amys Amies (what is it???) back.  When they are almost back on the Tardis, the young Amy gets attacked and passes out.  Rory runs back, swoops her up, and carries her onto the Tardis while the older Amy watches.  The Doctor then shuts the door, leaving the older Amy behind.  At this point a very emotional conversation between Rory and older Amy takes place.  Older Amy tells Rory that she had forgotten how very much he loved her and she loved him until she saw him carrying young Amy in his arms and that if he truly loved her he would not open the door for her because she would surely run in and both of the women named Amy (there, I can handle that) could not exist in the same place, thing, whatever.  Now, if you have never watch Dr. Who, I am sure that sounded pretty crazy.  But take it from me, it was a very emotional love scene and it made me cry while I was doing my dishes.  As a woman who very much loves her husband and her children, it got me thinking about if all those memories were taken from me.  And, yes, we believe that there is a grace given in Alzheimer's.  A grace where the person suffering from the disease is not in fact suffering from the loss, because, well, there is no memory.  But what about the transition?  What about the time before?  Does the person see the memories fleeting?  Because I have been down that road and it is scary and it is sad and it is lonely and I don't want to go there again.

Now, I apologize, because I know this was a really weird blog post but it was really more for me than it was for you.  I want to keep revisiting it in 2015.  I need to remember that life is short and precious and we only get one chance to do it right.  And what we do touches lives.  There is a ripple effect and we leave a legacy.  I want to remember my legacy and I want it to be good.  I want to breathe it in until my very last breath. 

In 2015 I will grow in faith and family.  I will lose weight and improve both my physical and mental health.  I will blog more, read more and be on Facebook less.  These are goals that I can and will keep.  No more slacking off!

If you are reading this, know that this time next year, I will not be repeating the same old goals because these will have been crossed off my list and I will be moving forward.

Happy New Year 2015, bring it on!